Infinate Wisdom or TOTAL STUPIDITY?

Today I am going to tell you a short but true story.  A few of you that know me may have heard me tell this tale, however; bare with me as others have not and may enjoy this little ditty.  Again, this is a true story and my neighbors can verify if you need proof, but hopefully you will take me at my word.


Now this happened about mid-summer almost 2 years ago.

I hadn't been able to sleep for a few nights, you know that damn insomnia bug that bites us all once in awhile.  Well I am thinking to myself "1:00 am and wife and kids have been asleep for a few hours now and not much on the tube (TV for those of you to young to know they used to be called tubes as well)",  so I decided to go lay down in the bed and just fall asleep watching whatever caught my fancy for a bit. 

     Just a bit of background here first: we have this fantastic mutt named Snuggles (don't blame me talk to the girls!) that has to be one of the best dogs I have ever had and I would trust to jump between a raging lion and my girls any day.  Her biggest drawback - she SNORES like a Freight Train rolling right behind the house at 90 mph. 

Back to the story.

I am just starting to drift off to sleep and Damn if snoring doesn't start!  I am one of those that once I am asleep I am out like a light but if something like snoring starts before I get to sleep I can't sleep. Well, I raise my voice a bit and say "Snuggles, move and stop snoring!" and the snoring stops for just a bit and I am right there on drifting off to La La land again and it starts again. 

"God _-_- !!!!! Snuggles stop SNORING!!!!!!!"  and it stops again and once again just as I am on the verge of sleep it starts again!  Now I am just Pissed, haven't been able to sleep for a few nights and just as I am finally going to get there the MUTT/FUR BALL won't let me.  So out of bed I go putting on my shorts and get up looking for her.

She isn't in the room and my wife was sleeping with the youngest because she wasn't feeling good and I know I wasn't snoring, so I go looking for her, Snuggles, thinking she was just outside of the bedroom.  Nope, not there either.  Now I am really beginning to wonder where she is and how the girls could sleep through her snoring so loud that I could hear her on the other side of the house. 

Finally, I find her sleeping in the hallway between the girls rooms and not a peep coming out of her. 
I am confused to say the least.  Well, my coming near her woke her up and she followed me back to the bedroom and as I pass the computer desk in the room I hear the Snoring again.  I turn and Snuggles is right there behind me just looking at me.  Not Her. 

But man, I hear that Snoring.  Now our Master Bedroom has one wall adjacent to the carport with two windows, one right behind the computer desk the other behind the bed.  I move down the wall towards the bed and I can hear the snoring again.  Now I know it isn't Snuggles it is outside!! 

I go wake up my wife and tell her I need her assistance for a minute so that I don't frighten the youngest if she heard Dad wake Mom.  I tell my Wife what is going on and she comes into the room with me to see if she can hear it also and she does and we definitely know it is coming from outside now. 

So, I slip on my flip-flops and go into my oldest bedroom and grab her baton and head for the front door.  I tell my Wife that if she hears anything that doesn't sound good to call the cops and prepare to go out to the carport and see what is out there expecting Snuggles to be right there with me. 

Well, it is dark out, no moon to speak of and under the carport with a car in it, DARK is an understatement.  My eyes are pretty good and adjust quickly enough for me to make out a dark figure next to the car on the ground.  Now Remember, I've got that baton in my hand and ready to strike on an instant and I think Snuggles is there as a back up.  The Snoring starts again.  I look back for her and see her at the door looking at me. 

     Again I Trust my dog to protect my children when I am not around. Trust her to cover my back when a drunk is snoring his ass off in the carport in the middle of the night, Not a freaking chance (she stayed in the house- with that look on her face that said it all “Your on Your OWN!!!! You NUT!!!”.)

This is all just part of this story.  Out on my own with a baton in my hand, wearing nothing but flip-flops and shorts I YELL at the top of my Lungs "What the F*** are you doing in my Yard SNORING YOU A**!!!!" I have never seen a sleeping drunk move so fast.  Lights on both of my neighbors houses and one across the street went on in a flash and before anyone could look out their windows he was over the fence and hauling ass down the street!

Now, here is were it gets a tad more interesting.  I (in my infinite wisdom (total stupidity)) go chasing this bum down to the corner of the block and back into a huge drainage ditch back between two different streets.  I start walking back because I realized my wisdom was not wisdom. 

Remember now, I am in flip-flops, shorts, no shirt and carrying a baton in my hands.  I am walking back down the street and just as I am rounding the corner to go back to the house (three more houses down) and there is a Cop (Bobby for my English readers) right there and turns her spotlight on me.  Just imagine that sight first (I do and chuckle at my own image). 

Well, she gets out and walks over to me and ask if she can help and then I explain what happened and she simple smiled then asked what he looked like.  (I figure she realized a drunk could not come up with something THAT ridiculous that quickly so it had to be true.)

I could leave it at that and everyone gets a grand good ole laugh at Dan on that one............ But the ending is........

Come to find out later they caught the guy somewhere down in that drainage ditch and arrested him, not for trespassing but because he had been drunk and driving and totalled his car and another car that had been parked on the side of the road and had made it three blocks from the accident to crash in my carport.  Luckily No One was Injured.